Another Suit Ruined
by Red Witch
Summary: The following day after the elevator incident, Mallory tries once again to get her staff to come together as a team. Doesn't quite work.


** An ocelot ran off with the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. This bit of madness is inspired by Vision Quest. The episode, not the movie. **

**Another Suit Ruined**

"You know…" Mallory Archer grumbled as she sat at her desk pouring a tall drink. "I didn't think that I could be even **more **disgusted and disappointed in you lot. That your teamwork…or in your case **lack** of it would get any worse. But yesterday you topped yourselves!"

"Yaaayy!" Cheryl cheered. "We reached a new low!"

"That's not a good thing Cheryl!" Cyril snapped.

"It certainly is not! Yesterday was a complete and total disaster," Mallory glared at her subordinates. "I hope you're all happy!"

"Well we got out of the team building meeting so…" Pam spoke up.

"I had no choice!" Mallory snapped. "Not only did I have to hire someone to fix that damn elevator you idiots broke there was no way in hell I was going to stay all day with a group of urine smelling animals!"

"And my suit was ruined Pam!" Ray glared at Pam.

"And my cashmere sweater vest!" Cyril added.

"Not to mention my suede boots!" Lana snapped. "I tripped over your soppy skirt!"

"Big deal! Just throw them in the wash," Pam shrugged as she finished a bear claw. "That's what I did with my clothes and they came out fine."

"You can't throw suede or cashmere in the wash Pam!" Archer barked as he pointed at her.

"You keep pointing at me and I'll throw you…" Pam began.

"That's **enough!**" Mallory interrupted. "As I was saying we also lost a day's work because you all had to go home and clean up! Not to mention I had to cancel my weekend with Ron because I have to supervise you lot to make up for the time we lost."

"Mallory you don't have to…" Lana began.

"Oh yes I do! I can't trust you idiots alone in an elevator much less the office," Mallory grumbled. "I tell you one thing. I am not going to do another team building exercise with you lot unless I want something else demolished!"

"What? It wasn't our fault!" Pam protested.

"Yes it was! Especially yours Pam!" Mallory snapped. "That elevator is never going to smell the same again because of you! I had to unblock the stairs because it's better to walk than smell piss every day!"

"I'm not the one who was jacking it," Pam folded her arms. "Well not at first anyway."

"I was stressed and I caught Cheryl's claustrophobia!" Cyril shouted.

"You can't catch claustrophobia like it's the common cold!" Ray snapped.

"Well at least I don't sound like a woman!" Cyril shouted back.

"You wanna go there Nancy Boy?" Ray shouted.

"Yeah I think I do…" Cyril shouted.

"Bring it!" Ray yelled.

"Fight! Fight! Fight! AAAAAHH!" Cheryl chanted then tackled Krieger.

"ENOUGH!" Mallory screamed.

BANG! BANG!

"STERLING!" Mallory shouted as she held her ears.

"What? Mawp! Mawp!" Sterling winced in pain as he held his fired gun.

"Not again! Asshole! Seriously?" The others held their ears as they complained. "Mawp! Mawp! Ow!"

"Great! Now there's two more wasted bullets in our depleting budget! Not to mention more bullet holes in our celling! Thank you very much _Sterling!_" Mallory shouted. "As if you hadn't caused me enough financial problems already with that broken elevator stunt!"

"That wasn't my fault! I mean I admit the phone prank thing but…" Archer began.

"It is your fault Archer," Lana barked.

"No, it wasn't Lana!" Archer snapped.

"Yes, it was Sterling! We took a vote!" Mallory snapped. "It's official. You are the scapegoat of the elevator incident!"

"I was the only one showing any leadership through the entire ordeal!" Archer proclaimed.

"No, you weren't!" Ray snapped. "You were just drinking and being a bossy jackass as usual!"

"I stand by my leadership!" Archer protested.

"You mean when you caused us all have a half nude brawl inside the elevator?" Lana snapped.

"It was a stressful situation!" Archer barked. "We were trapped in an elevator for who knows how long!"

"You were only in there for twenty minutes!" Mallory shouted.

"Are you sure?" Archer blinked. "I could have sworn it was longer."

"It seemed longer," Krieger said.

"Eh, still better than a pointless team building exercise," Archer shrugged.

"No, it wasn't! The point as I was trying to make is that our office needs to be more efficient," Mallory pressed on. "And we need to do that by working together as a team! That's why I brought you in early yesterday for a team building exercise!"

"By watching a movie?" Cyril asked.

"Vision Quest is a great movie!" Mallory snapped. "It's about sacrifice and teamwork and achieving one's goals!"

"It's about a middle aged woman banging an eighteen year old stud muffin," Pam scoffed.

"Big surprise why **that** movie is one of her favorites," Ray groaned.

"Flashback to my high school Lacrosse semifinals," Archer moaned.

"He was twenty one and he came on to me!" Mallory barked. "And he was also an assistant coach. It's not like he was a student or anything!"

"I should have known something was up when you started coming to my games and watching my team practices…" Archer grumbled.

"Do you really want to go **there** Sterling?" Mallory snapped. "My lawyers saw your teachers more than you did! And Cheryl get off Krieger!"

"Actually I don't mind this," Krieger said as Cheryl had him in a headlock on the floor.

"Yeah why can't we stay down here?" Cheryl asked.

"I am working with animals," Mallory moaned as she took a drink. "Which brings me to the reason I wanted the team building exercise in the first place…"

"Besides torturing us?" Archer asked.

"Shut up!" Mallory snapped. "The reason in case you haven't noticed is that our office isn't exactly fully staffed! And I can't get any of our former drones and other agents to come back!"

"Gee I wonder why?" Lana asked sarcastically. "I mean apart from it being an unauthorized illegal agency in the first place and you shutting down the office for about a year to run a drug cartel for the CIA…"

"Attempted to run a drug cartel," Cyril corrected. "And Cheryl's country music career."

"Which both literally and figuratively ended in a bang," Ray spoke up. "Not to mention a minor missile attack on New Jersey."

"The whole cartel/country music/arms dealing/taking over a country thing turned out to be a complete and total disaster," Lana added.

"Yeah we really are not good at selling cocaine or weapons," Cyril admitted. "I don't think sales is our strong point."

"You think?" Ray groaned.

"We made more money stealing loot from Calderon's palace," Pam spoke up.

"And I got to see a tiger!" Archer spoke up. "Of course I saw him eat a guy so…"

"My point is of course all the other agents and other employees aren't going to come back after that fiasco!" Lana bristled. "They've all moved on and found other jobs!"

"The ones that are still alive," Ray added. "I think two other guys got killed along with Brett. Not to mention a couple of interns got shot."

"And I know one of the other secretaries got caught on fire," Cheryl got up off Krieger and the floor. "Oh wait that wasn't during the raid. That was something else…"

"Shut up!" Mallory snapped. "I am more than aware of our slight hiring problem!"

"**Slight** hiring problem?" Lana barked. "We've been blacklisted by every temp agency in the tri state area! And between our former agents, ODIN and Interpol badmouthing us we can't get anybody!"

"Okay ODIN I get but Interpol?" Archer asked. "What did we do to them?"

"After that incident with the assassination and the avalanche they kind of made a fuss about three of their best agents getting killed," Lana explained.

"But that wasn't our fault," Ray pointed out.

"Interpol for some reason thinks it was," Lana shrugged. "I mean we survived and they didn't."

"Not to mention you and Ray were throwing yourselves at Crash every chance you got," Archer scoffed. "It was kind of pathetic."

"Hey! I wasn't nearly as bad as Ray!" Lana snapped.

"What do you mean by that? I wasn't that bad!" Ray protested.

"You were flirting with the man while I was being held hostage!" Lana barked.

"Oh when are you **not** being held hostage?" Ray waved.

"That does kind of happen to you a lot Lana," Archer pointed out.

"What the…?" Lana was stunned. "You're taking **his **side?"

"I never take his side!" Archer barked.

"Well maybe if **someone** had actually remembered the **target's name** I wouldn't have flirted with him?" Lana shouted. "Not to mention you thought that Ireland was an Axis power!"

"It's a common mistake to make!" Archer snapped.

"Only for an idiot!" Lana barked.

"Wait Ireland **wasn't** an Axis power?" Cheryl spoke up.

"ENOUGH!" Mallory yelled. "I am at my limit with you morons and your jack-assery as it is! And unfortunately I'm stuck with you losers!"

There was silence for a moment. "Ray forgot the gum," Archer spoke up.

"WHO CARES ABOUT THE DAMN GUM?" Mallory snapped. "I have morons on my payroll. I need new people but I can't **get **any new people! So I have to make do with you losers!"

"Somebody's cranky today," Pam remarked.

"Must be the swarm up her…" Cheryl began.

"So until we actually manage to acquire anyone worth a damn you lot are going to have to pull your own weight around here!" Mallory interrupted. "Not only are you all going to have to do some office work…And yes Sterling that means **you** have to do some work as well for once! It also means that occasionally I will have to send Cyril, Pam and God help me Cheryl too…on missions as agents."

"Wait hold on a minute!" Archer spoke up. "I get Pam but Cyril and Cheryl? _Those two?_ Unless you need someone to mess things up."

"Yeah we already have **you** for that," Lana quipped.

"Oh, ha, ha ha…" Archer gave her a look.

"Laugh it up Sterling," Mallory gave her son a withering look. "I'm expecting you to step up for once in your life!"

"Good luck with that," Ray grumbled.

"Yeah we're gonna be stuck doing all his work while he's jacking off," Pam agreed.

"I thought it was Cyril that jacks off?" Cheryl spoke up.

"I have a medical condition!" Cyril shouted.

"Sexual addiction is not a real disease and masturbating isn't like chemotherapy!" Lana shouted.

"I'll say it isn't," Archer spoke up. "And I should know."

"ENOUGH!" Mallory yelled. "God just once I'd like to get through a meeting without all of you idiots annoying the hell out of me! No wonder we can't get anyone to work for us! I'm amazed I'm still here sometimes!"

A whirring sound caught her attention. "And the only employee I can get is an oversized toaster!" Mallory yelled as Milton rolled into the room. "Which not only knocked over half the desks in the office but it leaves toast everywhere! And now we're going to get ants!"

"We are?" Krieger asked. "Did you also put in an order for spiders? Or any other insects? Just curious."

"Speaking of being curious just what exactly was in that thermos you had yesterday?" Cyril asked.

"Does it really matter Cyril?" Pam asked. "God I thought by now you'd have wised up to the fact that the less we know about whatever God damn thing Krieger does in his lab the better!"

"This from a woman who pees on the floor!" Cyril rolled his eyes.

"Considering what **you **left on the floor…" Pam began.

"Are we done now?" Archer asked. "Because some of us actually have work to do today."

"Yeah those experimental clones aren't going to grow themselves. I mean…" Krieger looked around nervously. "Did I say clones? I meant…flesh eating bacteria. Yes that sounds better."

"In what universe does that actually _sound better_?" Lana shouted. She then noticed something. "Ray what the hell are you doing?"

Ray was preparing to have a smoke. "I'm writing a symphony Lana. What does it look like?"

"It looks like you're smoking again!" Lana slapped the cigarette out of his hand.

"HEY!" Ray barked.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to smoke around me? I'm breastfeeding!" Lana snapped. "In fact you shouldn't smoke at all!"

"Damn it Lana ever since you had that baby you've become more of a nagging self-entitled bitch than usual!" Ray snapped. "My father smoked about a pack a day around me and Randy but it didn't affect us!"

"Oh yeah," Lana said sarcastically. "You turned out **great!"**

"Just what is **that** supposed to mean?" Ray snapped.

"Oh where to begin?" Archer snickered. "But seriously Ray. Don't smoke around Lana."

"Don't do me any favors!" Lana snapped at Archer.

"What? What did **I **do?" Archer was stunned.

"Nothing! Which is what you've done since the day AJ was born!" Lana yelled. "For all your promises you haven't helped me one bit! You haven't spent any time with us as a family. You haven't baby sat AJ. Not even changed one dirty diaper! As usual I have to do all the work while you screw around and act like the world's oldest teenager!"

"Wait isn't Dick Clark still alive?" Krieger spoke up. "Or is he…?"

"Okay the world's second oldest teenager!" Lana groaned. "My point is Archer that you wouldn't know what responsibility is even if it walked up wearing a banner saying Responsibility and gave you a blowjob!"

"Geeze Ray's right," Archer grumbled. "You have become a bigger…"

To this Lana made a frustrated shriek and tackled Archer. "You son of a…" She then began to scream incoherently and beat on Archer.

"Ha Ha!" Ray laughed pointing at the scene.

"What are **you** laughing at you…?" Lana stopped beating up Archer and then tackled Ray.

"Lana! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SUIT?" Archer yelled. Two large wet stains were now on his suit.

"What? Oh…." Lana let out a breath when she realized she was lactating. Two very noticeable stains were right on her dress front.

"Ha! Now who can't keep it in?" Pam laughed.

"Son of bitch! Another suit ruined!" Ray groaned. "You got it on me too!"

"First of all, I'm lactating!" Lana barked.

"You still ruined our suits!" Archer barked. "Ray's isn't as bad as mine but still…"

"Again! **His side**?" Lana barked. "Over me? The mother of your **child?**"

"Did I or did I not say there are such things as boundaries?" Archer barked.

"So clothes are more important than…CYRIL ARE YOU DOING WHAT I THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO?" Lana whirled around.

"No! I had an itch! I swear!" Cyril protested.

"Oh I'll bet you perverted little…" Archer shouted.

"Hey! Leave Cyril alone!" Pam shouted. "He has the constitutional right!"

"How is masturbating a constitutional right?" Lana barked.

"The pursuit of happiness? Duh!" Pam snorted.

"That's not what the Founding Fathers had in mind you…" Lana shouted.

"NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION! WHOOO!" Cheryl cried out before she tackled Krieger.

Before Mallory could do anything, her subordinates were once again fighting among themselves. She then decided that it just wasn't worth the extra headache to make them stop.

"The second brawl in as many days…"Mallory groaned as she left the room. "Maybe I'll get lucky and they trash my office enough so I'll have an excuse to redecorate?"

Milton followed her making a whirring sound. It didn't even drown out the sounds of the fight in the next room. Mallory barely had the strength to wince when she heard something break.

"There is one good thing about you," Mallory glared at Milton. "At least you don't talk!"

To this Milton responded by popping out more toast. "I so need to get new people…" Mallory groaned.


End file.
